Longbeach golf course staff Chris Kennedy interviews Tiger Woods.
EXCLUSIVE TIGER WOODS INTERVIEW
In a surprising development, the Media Director of Tiger Woods International called me up the other day and told me that I had the opportunity to have an exclusive and unlimited interview with Tiger Woods himself. “He’s a big fan”, said the Media Director, “so he wants you to be the one who gives the world the unvarnished truth.”
“I’m not a big fan, but what the hell, let’s give it a shot.”
“Good”, said the Media Director, “he’ll be there in about 5 minutes.”
Sure enough, an orange and black and white striped jet was taxi-ing down the runway. Tiger was carried by four burly men on a litter into the pro shop. He dismissed his minions and sat down in a chair and looked at me expectantly. He appeared to be relaxed and confident.
ME: Tiger, how are you doing?
TIGER: I have been bad. I have been disgusting. I have been reprehensible. I have acted deplorably. I stink. I suck. But, other than that, I’m feeling pretty good.
ME: You seem to be dressed rather…unusual?
TIGER: I’m glad you asked me that. I am wearing a replica of a genuine Buddhist monk robe, made by Nike. I’m a Buddhist, you know.
ME: Yes, I’ve heard. Now, about the accident that you had on Thanksgiving weekend…
TIGER: The detailing of this robe is fantastic! It’s just like the genuine article. It’s made from a new synthetic material that absorbs sweat and wicks away moisture, yet is still as comfortable as cotton. It actually breathes. It comes in bright red, and has both the Nike and TW logos on it. But other than the material, color and logos it is an exact replica of the robes worn by actual Buddhist monks, who I admire greatly, being Buddhist myself.
ME: It’s very nice. When you had your accident…
TIGER: You don’t get the TW logo on just anything, you know. It has to be top drawer in quality. And you know what? It’s completely wash and wear. If you get it dirty, you know, after a hard day meditating, you just pop it into the machine and it comes out looking just like new! It’s available at all the major stores and in pro shops now!
ME: I wouldn’t be caught dead in one. Now, getting back to the accident…
TIGER: It’s all in the police report.
ME: Well, actually, there are a lot of unanswered questions because, oddly enough, there is very little detail in the police report.
TIGER: Well, I can hardly be responsible for what the Florida Highway Patrol puts in their reports now, can I? But I will tell you this: if you are in an accident in which you hit both a tree and a fire hydrant, you can’t ask for a better vehicle for your personal safety than the Cadillac Escalade. Those things really stand up when it counts!
ME: We’ve heard the same sort of thing about you. What the world wants to know is why you got in the accident. Were you fleeing from an enraged Swede? Were you busy texting one of your many mistresses? What exactly happened?
TIGER: The Cadillac Escalade has leather upholstery, and is very luxurious. But, you would be surprised at how easily the vehicle handles in traffic, and, even more surprising, you would be amazed at how good the gas mileage is. If you’re in the market for a new vehicle, you can’t go wrong with the Cadillac Escalade. Those people at GM really know what they’re doing!
ME: Why are you being so evasive to my questions?
TIGER: I know that you are wondering about the bracelet around my wrist. Well, it’s a Buddhist thing. This one symbolizes protection and strength. But, the new Nike Tiger Woods Harmony Buddhist Collection has various bracelets symbolizing various attributes. They come in 6 different colors. We also sell a complete line of candles and incense.
ME: I see…perhaps you can tell us a bit about your frame of mind when you were engaging in your serial philandering.
TIGER: I will say this: I am deeply in love with my wife, and true love lasts longer than anything—even text messages.
ME: Now, you have referred to being in treatment in the last few interviews you’ve had. Can you tell us exactly what you are in treatment for?
TIGER: I have learned so much about the sense of entitlement I felt that was characteristic of my behavior during that dark, dark time when I was only winning one major and making 100 million dollars per year. I can’t tell you how dismal my life felt. At the treatment center they have taught me that it is necessary for me to show true humility and graciousness, and to be far more open than I have been in the past.
ME: And what are you in treatment for?
TIGER: That’s none of your business. Say, how about you get me something to drink?
ME: Oh, sure. We have water, and soft drinks, and a variety of both domestic and imported beer.
TIGER: Beer! Buddhists DO NOT drink beer! It’s unthinkable. What you really should offer me is Gatorade. Gatorade is full of all kinds of nutrients and fortified with electrolytes so that your thirst is quenched, and you feel invigorated. Gatorade is really good stuff!
ME: I didn’t realize that Buddhists were such big Gatorade drinkers. Now, when you were in treatment…
TIGER: As a Buddhist, it’s important for me to take baby steps in my recovery. That’s a Buddhist philosophy, and I had stranded from my Buddhist roots.
ME: Actually, I think it was Bill Murray’s philosophy in the movie, “What About Bob?”
TIGER: I know that you’re wondering about my watch. It’s a Tag Heuer, one of the best watches made. It’s very elegant. It’s Swiss, and the Swiss really know how to make a good watch. I can’t tell you what a comfort it is when I feel myself wandering-- you know, disconnected—and I can look at my wrist watch and know exactly what time it is, and that makes me feel better. You can’t say the same thing about that cheap Timex that you’re wearing.
ME: It’s a quarter after three. Now, you have spoken about how it is necessary for you to make amends, and that you are engaged in the process of changing, can you elaborate?
TIGER: Yes.
ME: Well, would you?
TIGER: During my treatment at the Whispering Stream Treatment Center, I have learned—with the help of many counselors—that I have felt entitled, that I fail to respect social boundaries, that I can be manipulative and controlling. But that’s all changed, thanks to the insight that they have allowed me to reach within myself. In fact, I am so delighted with the Whispering Stream Treatment Center that I have decided to buy the whole thing lock, stock and barrel!
ME: You bought the treatment center?
TIGER: Well, I bought the building and the fixtures and the whole program that they have developed. I couldn’t very well buy the people who work there, could I? And, to tell you the truth, there were some of them that I didn’t particularly care for. Well, now they’re gone, and the new crew I put in place have great plans to open up franchise centers all over the country. Very exclusive, very intense, very relaxing places where screwed up people can come and get fixed right up. We have a business plan and everything. Naturally, we will change the name. From now on, they will be known as the Tiger Woods Affirmative Transformation Treatment centers, or TWAT for short.
ME: That’s better than calling it Woody’s Sexual Crisis Center, I suppose. Now, about your relationship with your wife, Elin, since numerous infidelities came to light…
TIGER: One thing that I’m really excited about is another new venture that is deceptively simple. You know all that gold you have lying around the house collecting dust?
ME: Yes. It’s always in the way.
TIGER: Well, we’ve started a new branch of Tiger Woods International that accepts your gold. You just put it into an envelope and mail it to us, and we appraise it and within hours we send you a check! It’s a good way to get extra money so that you might afford a down payment on an Escalade, or buy a genuine Nike Buddhist robe, or stay for a few hours at one of the TWAT centers, or what-have-you.
ME: What a deal!
TIGER: Yes, it is. Just send us your gold and we’ll take care of the rest. We even accept broken gold. And diamonds and platinum, too! Just one thing, though. If you’re sending me an old engagement ring or wedding ring, make sure you send it to the office. DO NOT SEND IT TO MY HOUSE! If my wife should accidentally open up an envelope and a wedding or engagement ring drops out---well, she might not understand, and then it’s run for cover, if you know what I mean.
ME: I think I get the picture. What else does the golf fan have to look forward to?
TIGER: Look at this thing. I bet you’ve never seen one of these things before. It’s called the Slap-Chop, and you’ll be happy all day because you’re slapping your troubles away! It’s great for making salad, because we all love salad, but we hate making it. And it can chop nuts and veggies and all kinds of things. It’s fun, and inexpensive. And it comes with the Gratee, which is great for grating all your cheese for your linguini, fettucine, martini, bikini.
ME: It seems to me that you might be turning even more commercial than you were before the accident. It has been reported that you might lose an estimated 50 million dollars per year in lost endorsements. And there has always been the perception that you were selfish and greedy and focused far too much on your earning potential.
TIGER: Some of that might have been true, but believe me, I’ve changed.
