10 Year staff member, at Longbeach Golf Course, Chris Kennedy writes on Tiger Woods
The Range Rat Rants—Media Asks Tiger, “Have an Accident?” Woods Replies, “No Thanks, I Just Had One.”
Actually, Tiger didn’t say anything at all, following the minor accident that gained an avalanche of media attention.
In case you hadn’t heard, Tiger was involved in a small car accident. He smashed into a tree and a fire hydrant, thus making himself the mortal enemy of all the dogs in the neighborhood.
Why did Tiger smash into both a fire hydrant and a tree?
He couldn’t decide whether to hit a wood or an iron.
Okay, this is the situation, as reported by such credible sources as miscellaneous bloggers and crackpot gossip mongers and sensationalist entertainment shows and Larry King: at 2:30 in the morning, on the Friday morning after the American Thanksgiving Tiger had driven his car into a tree outside his Orlando home. Speculation is that Tiger and his wife, Elin, were having a heated discussion about his “affair” with a hottie named Rachel Uchitel. Presumably fleeing from his wife, a distracted Tiger ended up smashing his Cadillac Escalade just outside the gates of his home.
Actually, Tiger didn’t say anything at all, following the minor accident that gained an avalanche of media attention.
In case you hadn’t heard, Tiger was involved in a small car accident. He smashed into a tree and a fire hydrant, thus making himself the mortal enemy of all the dogs in the neighborhood.
Why did Tiger smash into both a fire hydrant and a tree?
He couldn’t decide whether to hit a wood or an iron.
Okay, this is the situation, as reported by such credible sources as miscellaneous bloggers and crackpot gossip mongers and sensationalist entertainment shows and Larry King: at 2:30 in the morning, on the Friday morning after the American Thanksgiving Tiger had driven his car into a tree outside his Orlando home. Speculation is that Tiger and his wife, Elin, were having a heated discussion about his “affair” with a hottie named Rachel Uchitel. Presumably fleeing from his wife, a distracted Tiger ended up smashing his Cadillac Escalade just outside the gates of his home.
Tiger Humor
It was Tiger’s worst drive ever. It’s the first time he drove less than 200 yards.
Tiger was trapped in his car. Elin (who just happened to have a golf club in her hand) smashed out the rear window of the Cadillac Escapade and rescued an unconscious Tiger. She pulled him out of the car, and a neighbor phoned 9-1-1.
Tiger was one under car.
There is a lot of conjecture that Elin had already used the golf club on Tiger prior to the accident.
What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?
They’ve both been clubbed by Norweigans.
What were Tiger and his wife Elin doing at 2:30 in the morning?
They were out clubbing.
It was announced that Tiger will be dropped from this years Ryder Cup team.
He keeps getting beat by Europeans.
The police asked Elin how many times she had hit him. “Let me see,” said Elin. “There was one in the living room, and one in the front hallway, and one on the porch (or was it two?), oh hell, just put me down for a five.”
Last week, it was reported on one of those “entertainment/gossip” shows that Tiger was having an affair with a New York hostess. As the week progressed, more and more women, including a couple of adult film actresses, exposed themselves as having had liaisons with “Cheetah” Woods. Why Tiger would feel the urge to stray when he has a beautiful blonde bikini model wife is hard to say.
Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who is tired of sleeping with her.
Tiger has been linked to a couple of adult film actresses. And why not? We all know that that he’s clutch with the money shots.
And exactly how hot can these other woman be? There could be a multitude of psychological reasons for Tiger indulging in his baser urges, but when you get right down to it, Tiger is all about collecting trophies.
Tiger was trapped in his car. Elin (who just happened to have a golf club in her hand) smashed out the rear window of the Cadillac Escapade and rescued an unconscious Tiger. She pulled him out of the car, and a neighbor phoned 9-1-1.
Tiger was one under car.
There is a lot of conjecture that Elin had already used the golf club on Tiger prior to the accident.
What do Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common?
They’ve both been clubbed by Norweigans.
What were Tiger and his wife Elin doing at 2:30 in the morning?
They were out clubbing.
It was announced that Tiger will be dropped from this years Ryder Cup team.
He keeps getting beat by Europeans.
The police asked Elin how many times she had hit him. “Let me see,” said Elin. “There was one in the living room, and one in the front hallway, and one on the porch (or was it two?), oh hell, just put me down for a five.”
Last week, it was reported on one of those “entertainment/gossip” shows that Tiger was having an affair with a New York hostess. As the week progressed, more and more women, including a couple of adult film actresses, exposed themselves as having had liaisons with “Cheetah” Woods. Why Tiger would feel the urge to stray when he has a beautiful blonde bikini model wife is hard to say.
Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who is tired of sleeping with her.
Tiger has been linked to a couple of adult film actresses. And why not? We all know that that he’s clutch with the money shots.
And exactly how hot can these other woman be? There could be a multitude of psychological reasons for Tiger indulging in his baser urges, but when you get right down to it, Tiger is all about collecting trophies.
Tiger Sex
“Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural experiences that money can buy.” Steve Martin
Widely reported is the phone call Tiger made to one of his women, begging her to delete his number from speed dial. The subsequent calls he made to the women he has littered all over the country—Tiger Woods’ Cocktail Waitresses Across America Tour—probably went something like this:
“Uh, Cindy (Mandy, Brandi, Candi, Tiffany, Kayla, etc.)? If a cute blonde shows up at your door carrying a golf club don’t, I repeat, don’t open the door.”
Following the accident, Tiger was rushed to the hospital, where he was checked out and allowed to return home. On Monday, it was officially announced that Tiger was withdrawing from his own tournament, the Chevron World Challenge. (He’s too embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t have a ride.) Again, there were rumors that he was too badly beaten up to make a public appearance. (See photo).
Tiger refused to speak to the Florida police, although they did threaten to send in David Caruso. In fact, he refused to say anything at all, which led to another flurry of conjecture and rumors.
The Florida Highway Patrol did charge Tiger with careless driving, which will cost Tiger, if he is convicted, a whopping $164 and 4 points on his driving license. The FHP made it clear that they showed no favoritism or bias in handing out the judgment, which was a totally unnecessary thing for them to say unless they were guilty of the offense, and weren’t wearing new Nike sportswear and Tag Heuer watches at the time.
Tiger finally did make a statement in which he cited that he is human (debatable) and that he has made several transgressions. He then followed up his apology with a diatribe against the media for not offering him privacy. It was as if he were saying, “Keep buying the stuff that I endorse, but for god’s sakes leave me alone. Thanks for all the loot. Now get lost.”
Tiger was looking for a support group but couldn’t find one for men “who cheat on their hot Swedish wives.”
One of those gossip TV shows reported that Tiger had told a friend that Elin had “gone ghetto.”
“I may have to run out to Zales and buy a Kobe Special,” said Tiger. When asked what a Kobe Special was, Tiger told him it was a gigantic diamond like the one Kobe Bryant had bought his wife when he was up on rape charges, a “house on a finger.”
But the story won’t and hasn’t gone away. Tiger, who still hasn’t made a public appearance since the story broke, did make a statement on his web site in which he admitted infidelity and that he was taking an “indefinite break” from tournament golf.
In the meantime, Tiger’s lawyers have taken steps to block the publication of any naked pictures or sex tapes that may or may not exist. This could be a mistake. After all, look at what the release of sex tapes did for the careers of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. With the release of a sex tape, Tiger’s career could really take off.
“Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural experiences that money can buy.” Steve Martin
Widely reported is the phone call Tiger made to one of his women, begging her to delete his number from speed dial. The subsequent calls he made to the women he has littered all over the country—Tiger Woods’ Cocktail Waitresses Across America Tour—probably went something like this:
“Uh, Cindy (Mandy, Brandi, Candi, Tiffany, Kayla, etc.)? If a cute blonde shows up at your door carrying a golf club don’t, I repeat, don’t open the door.”
Following the accident, Tiger was rushed to the hospital, where he was checked out and allowed to return home. On Monday, it was officially announced that Tiger was withdrawing from his own tournament, the Chevron World Challenge. (He’s too embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t have a ride.) Again, there were rumors that he was too badly beaten up to make a public appearance. (See photo).
Tiger refused to speak to the Florida police, although they did threaten to send in David Caruso. In fact, he refused to say anything at all, which led to another flurry of conjecture and rumors.
The Florida Highway Patrol did charge Tiger with careless driving, which will cost Tiger, if he is convicted, a whopping $164 and 4 points on his driving license. The FHP made it clear that they showed no favoritism or bias in handing out the judgment, which was a totally unnecessary thing for them to say unless they were guilty of the offense, and weren’t wearing new Nike sportswear and Tag Heuer watches at the time.
Tiger finally did make a statement in which he cited that he is human (debatable) and that he has made several transgressions. He then followed up his apology with a diatribe against the media for not offering him privacy. It was as if he were saying, “Keep buying the stuff that I endorse, but for god’s sakes leave me alone. Thanks for all the loot. Now get lost.”
Tiger was looking for a support group but couldn’t find one for men “who cheat on their hot Swedish wives.”
One of those gossip TV shows reported that Tiger had told a friend that Elin had “gone ghetto.”
“I may have to run out to Zales and buy a Kobe Special,” said Tiger. When asked what a Kobe Special was, Tiger told him it was a gigantic diamond like the one Kobe Bryant had bought his wife when he was up on rape charges, a “house on a finger.”
But the story won’t and hasn’t gone away. Tiger, who still hasn’t made a public appearance since the story broke, did make a statement on his web site in which he admitted infidelity and that he was taking an “indefinite break” from tournament golf.
In the meantime, Tiger’s lawyers have taken steps to block the publication of any naked pictures or sex tapes that may or may not exist. This could be a mistake. After all, look at what the release of sex tapes did for the careers of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. With the release of a sex tape, Tiger’s career could really take off.
Tiger's Sponsors
Naturally, there has been a lot of speculation about Tiger’s sponsors, and the persona that they wanted so desperately to be part of. Gatorade pulled out immediately, but they did say that they were thinking about doing so before the whole shitstorm started. There was a joke that Gillette dropped him when Tiger admitted, after the accident, that it was the “closest shave” he has ever had.
Late-night talk show hosts have had a field day with Tiger Wood’s jokes.
“What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?”
Santa Claus usually stops after three “ho’s”.
Personalities as diverse as Hugh Hefner and John Daly have made public statements about the Tiger affair(s), and have offered their opinions on what Tiger should do. These are hardly experts on marital bliss. If Tiger listened to their advice, or if he listens to anyone’s advice, it would hardly come from one of these characters. He might just as well take swing tips from Doctor Phil.
And the PGA tour is, quite rightfully, concerned about the absence of their marquee attraction in the upcoming months. Tiger was exciting and charismatic, and he brought a whole new audience to golf. The PGA tour is concerned that it might see a return to the “dark ages” when televised golf consists largely of watching one drone (with the personality and charisma of a household appliance) duke it out with another drone. Ho hum.
Maybe Tiger was tired of being Tiger. Maybe the pressure of portraying this symbol of indomitable perfection took its toll. Maybe Tiger wanted to come down off the pedestal and be human and flawed and vulnerable for a while. It worked.
Elin has bought a 2.2 million dollar mansion on an island outside of Stockholm. You can bet that she didn’t pay for it with the money she earned as a nanny—the job she had when she met Tiger. There are rumors that the prenuptial agreement that she and Tiger agreed to has been changed, and that she has now moved up to #2 on golf’s all time money winning list. (Tiger presented her with a giant check). Elin will take the kids to her new island home and wonder if Tiger is the guy that she wants her children to spend weekends with.
Tiger Leaves Golf
And Tiger will, at some point, return. And maybe the fans and the media won’t be so quick to put Tiger on a pedestal. And sure, there will be whispers and laughter that Tiger will have to tune out. And he will, and he will win more golf tournaments, but his star will never shine quite so brightly again. And Tiger will be Tiger again, whether he likes it or not.
This Blog has been wrtten by Chris Kennedy . To read more of Chris's Rants visit http://www.longbeachgolfcourse.com/ under the weekly newsletter tab.
