Tofino Geese

Geese and Golf
Every fall, just when it seems as though life is wonderful, the geese arrive en masse to shatter that illusion. Flocks of geese fly overhead and look down at our fairways and say to one another, “oh, look, there’s a great place for us to crap!”

And so they do. Immediately upon landing, they christen the fairways with their crap. They crap incessantly. They crap in their sleep. They crap on top of their previous craps. They create little mountains of crap. Perhaps the more artistic geese create little crap sculptures. There is no end to the crap.

Green and Slimy
Their crap, like all crap, is revolting. It is green and slimy and resembles malevolent worms. It sticks to everything. It is impossible to avoid, for even the word’s champion hopscotch player. After nine holes the average golfer has so much crap attached to his spikes he is 7 inches taller, and is hitting all of his shots thin. The pull carts have so much crap surrounding the wheels that the tires refuse to spin, so golfers actually pull their trolleys as though they were sleds. The power carts bog down in the crap and refuse to go further. It’s disgusting.

How to Get Rid of the Geese
Iwent online to find information on how to get rid of geese and was immediately transferred to a site that showed me pictures of young Ukrainian girls in bikinis. After a few hours of research, I resumed looking for information on getting rid of geese.

Basically, there were all sorts of ideas about how to get rid of geese including using dog decoys, real dogs, dead geese decoys, and lasers but the one that appealed the most to me was the option KILL THEM ALL.